REBEL//kidd

Happy Birthday Russell.

2007-03-07T07:23:32Z

We went to Venice Beach yesterday. it was senior ditch day..for raymond carlos vinny and bruce it was senior ditch day #1. for me and tanya...#43534566. I loved venice. i wanna go back asap. the colors, the variety of people. everyone willing to make conversation it seems. The graffiti shit was cool too. and the beach was beautiful. The drive there was only 45 minutes and the ride back..2 hours. me tanya and carlos were going crazy! um. everythings changed. from who i talk to and hang out with to the fact that brandon, once again, is out of my life. fuck dude. fuckkk. i feel like i closed a giant opening, the size of grand canyon, by saying goodbye to him. like it was this huge open thing, whatever you wanna call this thing, hope..dreams? i dunno..it was big. and now its done. and i need to put stitches over this gaping hole and move on. im scared i cant. im scared i cant walk away. but, i guess in a way ive already proven i can. i wont go back to him. id rather shoot my left leg off. but how i will miss you. and how i wish to see you someday, years from now..because i have to know that youre okay. i have to know that youll turn out fine. and im not overly confident in you, like..oh i know he's gonna be ok. no, its not enough to say that. i gotta see it. maybe one day ill bump into you and youll be married and have a child. ah, im talking like i havent talked to him in months. its been..2 days. and im barely holding out. i gotta learn that the right things for you are not always the easiest, in fact theyre usually the hardest.. never give people second chances though. that i know now. you give an ex a second chance..and theyre even moree inclined to fuck you over AGAIN. its dumb. guys are just dumb. i just wish you knew..

senior year is winding down now. just a couple more months of dodging the attendance police. haha i should really do that internship for edison this summer..and i should take my placement tests, and i should talk to my counselor. i should stop smoking hookah, i should be more decisive and prompt. i should start writing again. i should care more. but i just dont anymore.

happy 20th birthday brother. i miss you terribly.

I need sleep.

2006-03-10T15:41:31Z

Fuck its early...Im sitting here waiting for tanya. so i can go to school. blah. i wasnt intending to, because today is minimum day and i get out at 11:30..but, i guesssss ill go. hmm..everythings good. i guess. not my routine, thats for fuckin sure. i wake up, go to school, hang out after school, come home and get ready for work, go to work, hang out after work, come home and do the occasional homework if i feel like it, talk on the phone till..about 1 or 2, wake up and do it ALL over again. in between all that, i find time to eat, shower, fuckin take a piss. lol and squeeze the gym in now.ya...this is SO not gonna last.
Anyway, Johnny makes me happy..<3
We ALMOST had a dog yesterday..a replica of Kush(old doggy that got stolen) except she was white, with a brown patch on her eye..And so nice and friendly, and trained. BUT NO! mother and father had to say no..
Sad. Um..i got this obsession with purses now. Cuz wow..i spent my entire paycheck on them. I bought...hm 1, 2 ...3.........4 purses this week. Im going to hell for sure.
See you there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUSSELL!

2006-03-07T02:33:26Z

Today is my brothers 19th birthday. Yay for him..He requested that we not do anything today..cuz he said hes just gonna go out to dinner with his close friends. Personally, i think dinner is "code" for strip club..
But anyway...Im here to update. Its not like ive been gone for years or anything. But i swear, its like everything happens during the weekend. I dyed my hair back to black.i really missed it. I was gonna go lighter brown..but nah. Black it is. So yeah, friday night me and tanya had chicks night and dyed eachother's hair. I love spending nights like those with tanya. The next day...wow she's a trooper. We moved all the furniture in my room around.[[THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!]]It looks really good the way we put it. And of course tanya being the neat-freak that she is, made me throw away all my junk..fuck, it was hard. lol Umm..saturday night was cool. Nothing special. My boyfriend had to go out of town which completely sucked ass++he found out he has to go out of town again next weekend..Sucks even more ass..but anyway, we just went back to Sahara's..to which we hadnt been to in a while. and it was as we predicted. GAY && LAME. So never again to Sahara's. We saw Majd there though..eh. why type that, i dont care. Anyway, then we just kinda drove around everywhere and ended up at Tanya && Mike's house. Lately my parents have been real strict on what time i have to be home and what not..I think half the reason is because my mom knows theres a boy involved..cuz she used to ALWAYS back me up when it came to staying out late..and i think the other half is because of that one time i went to hollywood and stayed out till almost 3am..But ya, i had to be home by 12..so i left.
Then i hear Brandie and Adrian were out till 2. Those little slut hookers. lol <3 and i say that out of love!
So yes..that was Saturday.
Sunday..i finally saw johnny. After 5 whole days. Geez, i hate the fact that i sound psycho over him. TANYA TOLD ME[[yes im inputting that tanya!]] that i call him a lot. God..do i? If im ever doing something ani-like, i swear..please slap me.
Anyway, me tanya and brandie met Adrian at starbucks after he got outta work and we were just talking for an hour. Till johnny could go out..Then we got johnny..and went to Taco Bell. I swear i feel like i live at taco bell now. Cuz everyone seems to love it and its where we always go. And carlos works at taco bell...Weird.
So we eat and talk. And things were weird. Between me and him..cuz he thinks hes letting me down because he cant be around 24/7 and he thinks im all MAD at that. It doesnt make me mad being away from him. It makes me sad..But i understand. Family things gotta be resolved kidd. And im quiet cuz i think i came into the picture at a bad time for him. He swears i didnt. I swear im not mad. Case closed..or so it should be.

here they are..

2006-03-03T02:03:26Z

johnny - honestly when i left to whittier i thoght we'd never talk again and if that were true i probably wouldnt have measured my weiner yesterday and you wouldnt know what you know today ... and its weird, we havent talked in like two years but we hang out and shit and its like i never left and its great and im really sad your parents are going broke

victor - well mr. falon i honeslty dont think theres anyone in this world funnier than you, and i love you in a non gay way cuz all my gay love goes to johnny

monet - and who could forget monet i called ur mom lame once and you work at some haircutting place down the street from my work i think all that just screams best freinds and you really are one of my best

brandie - ahhh and brandie one of the reasons for me smiling right now i cant explain what it is about you but whatever it is im so amazingly happy were together

tanya - u be'z the tightest biznatch around this part of tizzown {translation from negro to regular} tanya is the coolest : )

---FROM ADRIAN!

Only one left...Steph. lol

The Love from [My Best Friends]

2006-03-01T23:04:55Z

Well Since everyone is giving a shoutout..i decided i wanted to be cool too..haha. I love all you gangsters...and i realized that i dont know what i would do without you guys. This year i realized that friends come and go..because i lost a lot of people that i thought meant a lot to me. But hey i gained i think the best friends in the world!

Mike(aka: i love weed.aka: mikeylicious.aka:my brother!)-Wow...what can i say about you. Theres honestly too much. Your the best brother anyone could ask for. You're always there to teach me how the world really is..and even though when your giving me those talks about life..i make fun of you and say im not listening..i always am! I think ive memorized every word you've told me and ill never forget them.. I seriously dont know any other brother and sister as close as me and you ..and i love it. Thanks for always having my back! Love you!

Monet(aka: Munnayyyy.aka: My sister!)- Dang this right here would be like a novel...but i have to get to everybody else too. I have no clue what i would do without you. Sometimes...i say stupid stuff..and i take a lot of people for granted..but i have you to snap me back to reality. Thank you for always being there for me..and i really mean that. I honestly would die without you...as gay as that sounds lol. Your my sister that god forgot to give me. Well im gonna start crying right now...so im gonna end it here lol. Just know that ill always be there for you! I love you hoe!!

Alex(aka: hip hop.aka: i hate midgets)- Nigggaaaaa..your just too cool for words haha. Well im glad that we got to know eachother..and i have to say your one of my best friends. We've been through..um some intersting stuff..but thanks for not making things weird between us. I honestly think we'll be friends for a long time...cuz your just cool like that. So..Thanks gangstaaaaaa.

Brandie(aka:pimp car.aka:the nice one lol)- Dannggg gangster..i think your one of the nicest people i know. You always think of others..and i know thats some thing others cant always do. Im glad we became so close...cuz dang who am i gonna sing nsync in the car with!!?? haha I hope we have a lot more crazy drunk nights...where no one throws up haha. your gonna hate me for that later..haha thanks for being such a great friend!

Stephanie(aka:sister in law lol.aka:girl version of mike)- Well im so happy you and my brother are together..i can finally say that my brothers happy with where he is. You're one of the sweetest people i know..and funniest. lol we've had so muchh funnn and i cant wait to see what our crazy asses do next! Thanks for being such a good friend..i love you!!

Johnny(aka:J-dogg!!.aka: 5O cent lol)-I think your the most gangsterist person ever!! haha dang even compton has nothing on you lol. Hanging out with you has been the funniest experience ever! Your ridiculously hilarious...and i dont even know if i spelled that right But seriously...i think you could even make a depressed bum laugh!. Thanks for being so caring..and i hope you and monet get married so you can be my brother in law haha. Love you gangster!

Adrian(aka:first gangster.aka:best letter writer haha)- Dang i think your black at heart. haha your so gangster its crazyyyy. Im glad we've all been hanging out..cuz i have so much fun with you niggaazzz. Im glad you and brandie are together..cuz you guys make the best couple!! Well thanks for being so cool..and thug like you are!

Dang...that shit was a novel...and it took me a while! But you gangsters deserve it! I hope we have more gangster moments..and share more funny memories together! I dont know where i'de be without all of you...and im glad i have you guys in my life. Thanks for everything gangster crew!!!

monet-best bitch ever
brandie-nicest bitch ever
johnny-funniest bitch ever
adrian-gangsterist bitch ever
mike-thuggest bitch ever
stephanie-coolest bitch ever
alex-tightest bitch ever

Thug.Life.Crew!
---FROM TANYA.

Wow, I'm in a glass case of emotions!!!! I'm so happy right now, cause' finally your bitch ass broke down and spit out the truth about everyone, I indeed am a gangster and so is Stephanie, thankyou for telling everyone how cool we are, I greatly appriciate it, and for the rest of you, I greatly appriciate the fact that you guys are my friends even though most of the time I'm high and I don't remember anything you said, especially monet, you yell a lot and I pretend to listen but I'm really high, and the next morning I don't remeber anything only a pain in my ears from you loud fucking screaming, but I've grown ammune to that. Johnny your a funny little bitch and I laugh when you make jokes, Adrian take care of brandy, she is a easy one to make her laugh, that doesn't make sense but once again I"m high. Um, Alex you are fucking tight, I love blazing with you and complaining about life and how we want to shoot people, and for some reason you really hate migits like Tanya said. Brandy, finally you gave someone a chance to take that heart under the moonlight of the seventh day. You're a cool person, and thanks for laughing at my jokes when literally no one else did. Stephanie you are something that words could never describe but the tip of the iceburg is that you are fucking beautiful and I have wet dreams about you constantly and my mom actually complained about the white stains on my pillolow, don't ask. PS. Monet I know that you think that I wrote nice things about everyone except you but remember the other day I called sister, well sister I'll say it again, don't be mad. You're one of the specialest people. And finally the best for last, Sister, when I was reading your comment, my heart beat was a million, there was a pain in my throat, I think tears were about to squirt out and stab you in the eye. Thankyou for your words they were nicee, you are probably the loudest fuckin persin in life, but I'm used to it. Doctors say I will probably lose my hearing in the next few weeks, but hearing your wonderful sister voice for one day would be enough for eternity, thankyou sister, and even though I call you a bitch when you are acting like one, I still love you Bye bye.

----from MIKE

Well well well..you were not kidding when you said that Mike wrote a mini-book as a comment to this blog. And im sorry mike..cuz u know i love you,. but i shall have to write even more than u did. Tanya...that was so heart felt i think my heart has grown too big or 2 sizes to large like the grinch that stole christmas! i wonder if u shed a tear as u were writing that..because as i was reading that, i shed 2. honestly. or not....but you my dead, are my favorite person in this entire earth. Forever. And i will be by your side until the day i fuckin die. Well...or u die. depending who dies first, but i think i got a head start. Ive known you since the day on the monkey bars ages ago...Through first and second grade when u faked sick everyday to have ur mom pick u up from school to third and fourth where we fought over the same boy...ill never forget Tony Murillo...hahaha to Junior High..when we hardley spoke :( to surviving you moving away. we got through being seperated and then look what happened! even ur parents couldnt keep us apart cuz ur right back in Covina with meee! And now were in high school almost graduating...or u know...if we decide to go once in a while..haha I love you. All the people you afore mentioned...fuck there isnt words to describe my feelings of unconditional love for you..or the amount of it. Mike..yes youre insults drive me insane and one day..i will pull a 50 cent on ur ass and i will probably be forced to shoot u a couple times. That or rob your weed..haha but you are more like my brother than my own brothers. and i will regret saying this gay stuff later..but i shall express my heart and the gratitude for u i feel inside!! from wayyyyy back in the day to my favorite Vacumn story...you were such a good little vacumn-er. haha i seriously got to be a part of watching u grow up. into a real manly man. no not really hahahah no im jk. you got a good heart mikeylicious. and you make that steph happy. foreverr and everrr. cuz stephanie is gangster too. and youre a good person, steph. porque no hay muchas personas que pueden perdonar cosas como tu..and give mike a beat down for me!! haha ALEX! omg..remember when we used to live at the movies and we thought we were the shit like.. "look at us, we spend every weekend at the movies" and remember when u didnt smoke out..and when u didnt drink that often? haha how much uve changed kidd..youre straight thug! Brandizzle........ive always always thought u were too nice to be my friend. im really glad u havent thrown in the towel with me yet.im waiting for the day u finally say OKAY YOURE A BITCH! lol thanks for being there to remind me to use my heart sometimes. thanks for being someone that grounds me. youre always gonna be my little sweet heart even if u are dating adrian! SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL..anything happens.,ill cut ur weiner that u think is growing, off! hahaha dude, ur such a good friend. ya u have ur moments when u cant be serious and u talk about ur pee pee for hours on end..and u have a zillion brothers. hahaha but i frikin love u. ur gonna be like this best friend i never wanted! yayy! haha im so just kidding nigga! i got ur back for life! cuz if it wasnt for u..i wouldnt have met Johnny...my pooh bear or my hot dog..thanks for being you. what else could i say? i care so much for u..thanks for calling to say the little things that dont matter..and thanks for making valentines and cards..when u dont have to. I hope u love your flowers and hope u still have them! haha You make me happy :)...All of u guys make me happy. I love you guys.

-----from ME!

Tanya, Tanya, Tanya, I so fuckin busted a tear duck. I just want to let you know that you guys came in at such a perfect time in my life. You guys are true friends and not having to worry about what I’ll gain or lose from our friendship is the greatest feeling ever! Our understanding and happiness make loving you so easy. Between Monet and you I’ve learned that money isn’t needed to have fun. Just bad ass friends are needed and the fun comes at no extra cost. Thank you, for allowing me to have Monet as a WIFE if you ever need something, know that we are always going to be here for you! Love you my Gangster Nut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J-Dogg

----From JOHNNY!!

well i just wanted to give shout outs to the gangster crew and say today was freaking great i cant believe we straight up drove to the mountains and were listening to nsync in the car the whole way there!!.. that is what i call best friend!! and i freaking love you all to death!!! .....

well now i am gunna give a little shout outs to everyone!!

monet: you are one of the greatest friend i know and i effing love!!♥ i hope we stay really good friends forever.. wow that sounds gay but i love you!!!..haha i cant believe you talked me into going to the mountains!.. crazy but i did it out of love!!

tanya: betcha cant do it like me.. what ..betcha cant do it like me..what!!.. lol.. i love you so much tanya and i am so0o0oo0o happy you and i have become closer these past couple of months!!.. i hope we stay close!.. i also hope you start driving soon so then the next time we go on a wild adventure to the mountains or where ever we go we can take your car!!..lol

adrian: well i really love spending time with you and going everywhere with you.. i am so happy we are together and i hope we are for a while!.. i cant believe i let you drive my car all the way to the montains!!.. i must really trust you huh?.. lol.. but yeah you are a good driver so i guess it was ok haha

johnny: i am happy that you and my best friend are together ..even tho me and adrian won because we were together first..haha.. but yeah i think you are one of the funniest and sweetest persons i know and i hope we stay best friends forever!!! the next time we go out you can drive my car ok!.. so dont be mad at me!

Mike: you are the greatest person and the funniest too!!.. you always make me laugh even when your not high!!..hehe..you have one of the nicest sister ever too..lol..

this said by tanya!!!

monet-best bitch ever
brandie-nicest bitch ever
johnny-funniest bitch ever
adrian-gangsterist bitch ever
mike-thuggest bitch ever
stephanie-coolest bitch ever
alex-tightest bitch ever

T.L.C
CONTINUED___
O.M.GOSH tanya.... you are the greatest gangster ever.. you staright up broke it down and wrote a life story about each of us!!.. that is so0o0oo0o0o sweet!.. i effing love you so much hoe and i am soo happy that we got so much closer and i hope we stay close forever!!!.. mike you are sweet and funny as hell and even more funny when your high!!.. monet.. i love you like a fat kid loves cake!!..lol.. i want so cake right now ..haha but anyway back to what i was saying.. i wouldnt be who i am today without your love and support and help of braking me out of my cautious shell!!..thank you.. steph you are a great friend and a really good back hitter if i ever need to throw up again i am gunna call you first!!.. lol.. i hope i didnt gross you out too much.. and i am glad you didnt laugh at me when i was throwing up at johhny house.. well atleast you didnt laugh loud enough for me to hear..lol.. but yeah thanks again and i glad you guys have not made fun of me for that yet!..lol..Alex.. what can i say about you.. you are great guy that loves to get high and talk on the phone for hours..lol. thanks for caring about me when i got fucked up and drunk off my ass at johnny house.. i cant wait til next time but i wont be throwing up ..promise!!.. lol..johnny well best friend i am so happy that we are best friends and that you are making my other best friend (monet) really happy !!. thanks for letting me and your best best friend (adrian) go out and stuff.. i love you for that !!! well i hope we stay close and hang out a whole lot more! cus i love our adventures to the beach then the park and all the way to the mountains!!.. haha but yeah thanks for evenrything!and finally my boyfriend! adrian i have not been this happy in a long long time and i just want to thanks for everyhting and i love spending time with you even if it just at the park and it only for like 1 hour .. it still fun! and thanks for the letter you gave me !!!! i hope these feeling last!!

thanks again tanya!!!!!!!

love ya all so fucking much!!!!

T.L.C. gangster crew!!!!

----FROM BRANDIE!

To: Thug.Life.Crew
Well You Guys Are The Best Friends I could Ask For And You Guys Have Been There For Me Since I Could Remember... Some Since I Was A Little Baby, Takin' Care Of Me Because I was Such A Hand Full, And Others Since 7th Grade. And Some Of You I Met Just Recently But Even Though I Still Love You Guys. I'm Sorry I Cant Write A Shotout To Every Single Person... I Haven't Seen You Guys In The Longest Time And I Miss You Guys.
-Alex.
---from ALEX!

Adrian's and Steph's part is to come soon..i know it <3

...Cant you tell we're all emotional bitches that love eachother to death? lol
<3

I'll Wait Till You Listen.

2006-02-27T00:50:02Z

I havent smoked hooka in so long..Fuck, i miss it. Maybe im addicted to that shit. no, not really. cuz i can go without it. I have, in fact. Ever since sahara's started carding..i dont do it as much. Eden's just isnt as good. I wonder how Roland is doing..If anyone were to read this, they wouldnt know who Roland is..Just for the sake of the potential readers, lets explain; Roland was our[by our i mean all my bestest friends in the world]favorite host at Sahara's Cafe[hooka bar]. We made friends with him and everything. He was totally cool. So yeah, i wonder how he's doing..Next weekend we might be doing Johnny'y house over again. His parents are quite possible going out of town! I hope so..with all do respect to them. lol But we wont trash the house this time. Correction, Johnny wont trash the house this time. Lol..Speaking of Johnny, me and brandie are going to meet him and Adrian at the mall in about an hour. This whole thing is taking some time to get used to. Best friends with best friends.[me&&johnny+brandie&&adrian]I know me and tanya are way too good of friends to be affected by it at all..but i cant help feeling that she thinks or might feel like i dont need her or want to hang out with her anymore..or left out at all. i fuckin love that girl. in fact, i talk so much about her, some think im lesbian.I could imagine how weird it must feel though, when we all go out as a group..but she really isnt the 5th wheel out..cuz we were all friends before any of us got together. GANGSTER friends. and still are. maybe one day in the future you'll read this or something. I doubt it though, cuz im pretty sure you forgot about this site. But if you ever do..i really hope my number one best friend doesnt feel that way.
My mom's wedding[25th anniversary to my dad] is only a month and a half away. Well about that long..its April 29th. i call it my mom's wedding cuz..i dont really think my dad's had a say in Anything.I bet he wont even get to pick out his tuxedo. Oh course not, everyone's gonna see it. My mom will definitely pick it out. My brother's too. BUT NOT MY DRESS:)
I have to read the at church on the cool totem poll where the important people read passages and what not. And i get a microphone..its gonna be mighty hard not to bust out into song! lol..I have to read in spanish though. Im fluent, but dang. How often do i speak spanish anymore? And big words like the one's theyre going to make me read..?Owell, ill do it. And i have to give a speech at the reception too. About my parents..Hmm..i can ramble and ill probably bs my way through it. My mom said it better be nice! lol..Define Nice...

Goodbye/Kidd.

2006-02-26T04:46:42Z

What a fuckin joke shit can turn out to be right? I know all your little friends, from online, cuz frankly i dont know if you have any real friends kidd, read my little journal here to see what kind of trash im talking about you. HA. you wanna see trash talking? FUCKIN ASSHOLE. YOU FAGGOT MOTHERFUCKER WITHOUT TESTICLES.Yeah, me and that bitch are over. And thank God for that. I bet people, or his little friends [again, the online ones] probably thought i was always the bad person. the bad guy. HA. And yet he had some other girlfriend this...probably, entire time. Fucked who knows how many girls. I dont really care or anything. Cuz im over it completely. Im writing it down cuz, well in case i forget. lol. I will forget the details of you. and i will forget your habits, your jokes and saying. Ill forget you existed kidd. cuz you dont mean two shits to me. haha not even one shit. so your little girlfriend is pregnant. But hmm..is she even your girlfriend? Who knows. And now youre just like all your friends. [friends] lol. Youre gonna be a daddy. And youll cheat on her. Cuz fuck, you already have if you were with her while you were with me. And youll do it again. And youll take little presents from little girls that dont know your greedy ass any better. But as for me? you wish you could plan out where i was going to end up dont you? But you cant. Im gonna do something with my life. And im happy right now. I like Johnny. Johnny and me..he makes me happy. And its actually..quite happier than you EVER made me. You were never really good that. haha You know how some fake orgasms? Some fake..happiness? Entertainment? Love? lol. Disappear already. Dont call..and breathe on the phone like a creepy motherfucker. dont text me to tell me im ridiculously immature when you had a secret life. k bye.
I got a job. And this little job is great. Its right there..with the rest of my life ahead of me. Im working in a beauty salon. They have everything! Hair, make up, nails, waxing, massages..everything. So im currently the front desk secretary, but let me work on getting my license and ill be moving on up! Im gonna graduate. And im going to go to a trade school in Hollywood. And im gonna be trained..and make it. And im gonna have a supporting boyfriend along the way. And im gonna have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. and im gonna be happy.
What are you gonna be?

Broken Home

2005-07-13T04:47:49Z

im laying down typing cuz theres no damn chair by this computer, ou whole house is being trn apart and rebuilt so this room is empty except for this desk..alot is wrong. a lot alot id wrong, i cant think of anything thats right. everything ducks. now i know life isnt fair but famn, since when is life unbearable. when i get older i want to go to a theapist. i eonder what theyd tell me. more like what would i tell them. i dont know.its just one of those night when u keep thinkinh things just cant get worse, and then they do. and not just worse, incredibly worse. i hate this point in my lifr. fuckin ex[ected to act like an adult and treated like a damn child. i cant squeeze in 2 words before someone new is yelling at me, oor just pissing me off or or telling me what to do. wtf does it take to live a happy life. no one i talk to leads on...except the girl whose life was "saved" by jesus. broke poor, the love of her life stopped talking to her out of nowhere and shes happy. she loves everyone. well jesus knows im not like her. theres not an ounce of whatever it is shes got in me. everyone here fights no one listens to eacg=hother, my fuvkin pussy piece of shit brother cries more than me and my mom compared. well fuck hm. one day ill get out of this place and ill drive away wishing to never return ill never come back and visit and chat and give hugs. after i leave, they could all die. for all i care, they could all die right now. my family relationship isnt working. my best friend relationships arent working. my love relationship isnt working. nothings working for me here. and its me. i know its me. but fuck what is wrong with me i dont know wha t to do to fix it. i cant change i cant pretend, this is who and what i am a crazy bitch i guess. whose going nowhere i guess. who has a fuckin problem wih everything she comes across with i wonder what or who illl be in my next life, i hope..a kid. a young little girl. maybe 5. do overs. can we have do overs? thatd be really nice wouldnt it. to know u couold screw around and fuck up as much as ud like cuz u know u get do overs anyway,

sinfulstatic @ 2005-07-10T23:40:00

2005-07-11T06:40:48Z

i cant blame you.

sinfulstatic @ 2005-07-10T23:34:00

2005-07-11T06:40:32Z

how can i comfort someone well about their problems when i have no handle whatsoever on my own? i sat here and talked to you through tear blurred eyes. not once saying what i wanted to. we're both vague. im shut down and messed up. you dont notice.

sinfulstatic @ 2005-06-07T22:45:00

2005-06-08T05:52:00Z

i hate everybody. i hate everybody.

i can type that over and over and over and it will not jusitfy exactly how much i hate people.

Fuckers.

sinfulstatic @ 2005-05-09T00:27:00

2005-05-09T07:50:51Z

i decided i would write.dont really know what about but im gonna try because its 12:30 and my insomnia is kicking in on a sunday night when i have school tomorrow which i probably wont attend anyway because i dont give a fuck anymore even though i have STAR testing tomorrow and an exam in biology. and even though i told myself i was going to raise my grades because theyve gone down and i need better ones to get into the college i want to go to. which ive figured out which one i want to go to. just problems that complicate it.
such as me and you.
in english once my teacher, who is some young idiot and is her first year teaching and doesnt really know anything..i could get up in front of the class and teach english better than she does, cuz she talks to us like were in kindergarten. like i said, idiot. anyway, one thing she did do that i liked is she taught us when were writing some kind of rough draft, we need to go with our first instincts. free write non-stop for a certain amount of time. anything that comes to our head. because your first instincts are usually good ones. its when youre not sitting there, worrying about what youre going to write down and what others are going to read. instead everything is just flowing out. right out and when u read it, its real. its what you were thinking and the time when u wrote it down. fuck. sorry i had to throw a curse word in there cuz or else it wasnt gonna sound like me. my eyelids feel pretty heavy, maybe its the sleeping pills finally kicking in. which is what i resorted to because i need some damn sleep. for a while, it had stopped and i could sleep at night, and now its coming back. i dont really know what triggers it. but, im losing it and i cant sleep and i hate everybody and everything and i want to stab the damn couch? couch? yeah the couch, cuz im not stupid enough to stab myself and not mean enough to stab someone else. well actually, i probably am but i dont think id do good in jail. i wonder why i stopped being poetic. hey i wrote one or two good poems at one time in my life. and now, fuck it. maybe i wrote poetry when i was naive and i dont anymore cuz..well cuz im not sweet enough for poetry anymore. probably never was. you know, if u stare at a white wall for long enough, youll start seeing black. hmmm..so if that was a metaphor..which im sure it is..it would translate to something like, well actually i have no fuckin clue. at all. stupid bug. keeps flying around right in front of my face. now if THAT was a metaphor, it would translate into an annoying obstacle always hanging around. whatever im rambling. i could probably ramble on about rambling on. ive gone crazy and mad and detached. is that how u spell that? doesnt look like it. what do i know. i feel like ive gone too emo here..and shared too much. who reads this crap anyway.

Ever So Apathetic

2004-12-28T03:47:19Z

Sometimes you just cant hold your head up anymore. Sometimes you feel as if youre getting closer and closer to the ground. Until youre going to be lying down one day, and people are going to walk all over you. Like they say, you can fall in the mud, but dont start swimming around in it. Get up, clean yourself off and keep going. Keep going towards what? that forever glowing light that's supposed to have all the answers to the wrong questions? Things dont have a clear path anymore. No right direction. Im second guessing where im supposed to be going. All these things pent up cant stay in forever. It doesnt come out in the form of tears. it doesnt come out in the form of words. It doesnt come out at all. im Sick of it. XxStArZrPrEtTyxX: and u know u have a problem expressing ur feelings

Olvidate.

2004-10-29T04:26:26Z

La vida nunce es alegre para mi. Le pediria a Dios porque, pero no creo tanto en el. Todo esta fuera de mi control y odio eso. Las situaciones ya no importan, solo importa como affecta todo lo que hago. Y si affectan. No puedo hablar con nadien, pero mas peor, no quiero hablar con nadien. No de esto.

Un dia, ella estaba bien. Un dia, no. Pero se accostumbro, y vivio asi. Pero se canso, y ya no sabe que hacer. Quiero ir bajo de un arcoiris y ver mi suerte. Allarlo. Alamejor esta escondido, y nomas lo tengo que allar. Buscar. Pero ya por quince anos a buscado. Nunca me a sentido tan sola. Tan sola que es una emotion que palabras no puede describir. Aveses me pregunto, cuando estoy sola, si le dijiera a algien como me sentia, podian decir me algo bueno? Que pueden decir? Mas que...estas loca.

Si estas loca, Monet. Odias todo y todos. Odias cosas que no conoces. No siempre eras asi. Me acuerdo, cuando estaba viva to madrina. Ella te enseno como resar. Como pedir le a Dios por todo, y darle gracias. Pero se murio. Y todo que ella trato de ensenarte por tantas anos, lo olvidaste. Si ella estaba viva, que dejiera de ti? Nada malo..ella te queria. Tu nunca le hablaste como la amavas. Nunca le poniste tanta attention. Odiaste que tenias que tener un cuarto con ella. Odiaste que cuando tu mama y tu papa salieron a bailar, y tus hermanos salieron con sus amigos, tu tenias que quedarte con ella. Y te enojaste. Y ahora te acuerdas como ustedes veian a Sabado Gigante. A ella le encantaba esa programma..Y tu darias todo lo que tienes, para un sabado con ella. Y sabes que aunco lo darias, nadien te lo quita. Porque nada va a traierla a ti.

Acuerdarte. Acuerdarte como se veia su carita..muerta. Cuando ya no estaba respirando. Cuando llego la ambulancia. Cuantas horas estubiste en el hospital. Cuando fuiste a la escuela despues de su funeral, y nomas quieras llorar. Cuantas noches tubiste que dormir en el cuarto de tu mama y papa, porque no querias dormir sola, porque tenias doce anos y siempre tenias tu cuarto con tu madrina. por doce anos.

Y luego llora. Llora por ella. Llora por lo que ella era para ti. Porque nunca la vas a tener otra ves. Porque cuando ves su foto, quieres llorar mas porque apenas te acuerdas como se mira. Y te quieres pegar.

Acuerdate, porque un dia vas a olvidarte. Si quieres o no.

sinfulstatic @ 2004-10-08T21:04:00

2004-10-09T04:08:29Z

Life get's so hard, and yet it just continues to go on..

So she finally cracked. It was only a matter of time anyway. And people keep blaming it on her stress. So what if she had fucking surgery the next day. Mothers dont say those things. But my guess would be that she never grasped what being a mother was.

Monday night, it was the end of the line. I had developed some pictures. My mom wanted to see them and I said no. They werent her business, they werent hers to look at. Well, my no meant nothing to her and she grabbed them anyway. I was telling her to put them down, asking her for some privacy. She got really mad, probably because of the fact that I said no to her. No..thats not it. I say no all the time. I dont know, something set her off. She was screaming, yelling. Getting so red. Russell stepped in and said to leave me alone, they were just pictures. To just trust me. She thought I was hiding something in them. Then she got on Russell's case. Saying such harsh shit. And then Chavita stepped in. Trying to solve things, saying to just let it go. But she just couldnt. She hates us. She was yelling..screaming.

She started crying, Chavita started crying. Russell did, I did. She went in her room and I went in there to get things off MY fucking chest. She let us know what she thought about us, we were worthless, we were nothing but problems, we were stupid..

My dad had to hold me back, maybe he thought I was going to hit her. I would have liked to. But she did it first. I was telling her I had never complained about her calling me names. Never. I took it and took it, all the fuckin time. But that I couldnt take it anymore. That she was a bad mother. That she didnt know how to do anything but make us feel like shit. And she said It was My Fault and then slapped me.

She told my oldest brother to get out, that he wasnt welcome anymore. Russell told me to pack my stuff. So we could leave. And leave we did.

She couldnt even pretend she cared. My dad was telling us not to leave. Not in a loving father WAY..but in the Or Else way. She was saying, Let them leave. Theyre problems. Im sick of working for them.

Those words will never leave my mind.

I hate them both.

I Miss Gabe..

2004-09-27T20:25:27Z

Gabe and me are no longer friends :( I miss him mucho. Hope he's doing great..

This weekend was okay. Friday night was fun. The group went to Eddie's and from there went to the bowling alley. Smoked out..Met some people that gave us liquor. We got Ryan stones..Right on. Rachel was talking to some guy, he invited her out for next weekend. He said he wanted a friend for his cousin though. Some kind of double crap. Guess who the friend is that has to do the favor..

Whatever.

Saturday, I went to Tanya's house. We went out to the mall in Ontario, then to the Rainforest Cafe. It took me Forever to convince her to take me there. And it took a lot of acting like a little girl.. I had to beg, plea, practically cry! and Bribe! I love it there. They have humongous fish tanks, and monkeys, and elephants..fake of course..and a waterfall. And a jungle-like restaraunt. And good food. I want to go back.

Sunday, she came back to my house. and we went to the mall here and got one of those little flyer party invites. When the guys were giving one to Tanya..it was so funny. She said "no thanks" and the guy was like, its an invitation Dont Trip. haha...that made me laugh. Like if they were offering drugs or something.

So, now its Monday. I didnt go to school because I woke up and thought i was Dead..but its all good, im alive. Just sick. And hungry..i think i'll go make a sandwhich.

Phases

2004-09-21T01:50:02Z

I fuckin hate when parents say "its just a phase" Damn, in order to yell at your parents, or raise your voice, you have to be going through a phase! For a long time i havent complained about my parents to anyone, Its time to fuckin vent. I cant anywhere else. Its getting harder and harder to just talk to people. To everyone. My parents have never been there for me. to congratulate acheivements, to let me talk to them say about...BOYS! SCHOOL! to talk about life in fucking general. shouldnt parents ask?? shouldnt they ask little shit like..HOW ARE YOU? even once a month, once a fuckin year. but they cant even do that. The other day my mom told me i was so ugly i should just go kill myself. To put a gun to my head and just shoot myself. I wonder what she'd do if i actually listened to her. She probably wouldnt even remember she had said that. ot maybe she would and her guilty conscience would eat her alive from the inside out Id love to see that. I wonder if they always knew they were gonna grow up to be these two, unloving, uncaring, unWANTED parents my dad just comes home and sees my mom playing "sick" like always and says that i dont even care enough that i can just sit back and look at my mom be tired and not even help her. thats all he says to me in a day, hes never held an actual conversation with me unless he was drunk then he comes and says hi or something because maybe when hes drunk he realizes he hasnt seen my in a long time. theyre the ones who have taught me, theyve raised me this way. To always believe i dont need anyone. So ive gone on and on through this bullshit life, thinking i need no one. If i dont even need my parents, why would i need anyone else? I hate them. i need a damn stronger word than hate. Despise. i despise them. why dont they see what the hell they do to me? yes im fuckin sure that kids out there have it much worse than me. some kids dont have parents, some beat them, some rape them. but fuck, words hurt too, words hurt. being ignored hurts. they have the power to make you feel not up to standards. ive always felt like im not good enough because of them. either im too ugly, too stupid, too lazy, too SOMETHING. when am i ever gonna do something right for them? when am i ever gonna be okay in their book?? when are they just gonna forget about standards and just realize i am who i am? Its been 15 years, they know nothing. hey, they know my hair color, they know i like to keep my room clean.. they MUST be my parents. They know no personal habits, no annoyances.. then dont even know who i am! they make me feel like i should lock myself in my room, and never come out hopefully ill suffocate myself in there or starve to death and just die and the entire time theyd just think i was in there. doing what i always do. sit listening to music or write. i want to die and have them not know i died. why? i really dont know. i just dont want them to know ive died, i wouldnt want or need their sympathy for my death. i want them to think ive disappeared that im off somewhere having the time of my life. a million apologies from each of them, wouldnt mean a pink of anything to me. what do they have to apologize for? everything. my entire life! i cant help but think, but KNOW i would have ended up different if i was raised by different people. i know i would have. from the times theyve hit me, smacked me, punched me. from the times theyve made me feel so ugly, so stupid, all the times they made me feel the things i wanted or cared for didnt matter. like i wasnt good enough to be on this fuckin earth! let alone good enough for Any other person. to feel love from someone else, love that isnt false, is something new. is something i have yet to get used to. to learn to appreciate it. ive never had it to appreciate. theyre so sterotypical. if youre black, you might as well be a thief. if youre white, you might as well be a racist bitch. if youre mexican, well youre fantastic, youre just like us. because theres Nothing wrong with us. ive been raised to hold grudges, to not forgive, to always accept things the way they are and never try to change them. ive been molded to have no feelings, because if i had grown up with them, my heart would have been shattered more than 100 times. ive been apathetic to survive, and you think it makes me a bad person. you think it means i feel nothing for you. that im heartless that im cold. but youre wrong. youre wrong about me. you think instead of showing sadness, all i can show is anger. remorse and hate. but i have other feelings..theyve just been hidden away for a long time. i love you but i cant just change myself because suddenly someone loves me. i dont trust, i dont believe in happy endings. i believe everything has its expiration date, that nothing lasts.. and i cant shake it. and i dont want to hurt you but i cant just take away years of knowledge and feelings and hurt. and regret. im used to others always asking how i am, always probing. and i say fine. pasisng friends, temporary friends ask that out of habit. they dont actually care you cant sit there and have a conversation about how youre Really doing everyone just wants to hear Fine so they can move on think theyve done their good deed for the day because theyve asked how you are. so they ask out of habit, and i say fine. im fine, im fine. everythings always fine. thats what they want to hear.. why not fuckin give it to them. and i become my parents. one day at a time. they cant talk to me. i cant talk to you. how do i change it?

Every story has two sides.

2004-09-11T20:05:45Z

Every story has two sides. True or false. I think definitely true.

Anyway,my side of the story is this: School, fuck it. Parents, fuck them. Brothers, who? Jesse, i wonder where he disappeared to..he stopped calling :(

I was thinking of going to my grandma's grave. Then I decided not to.

I want to see Resident Evil 2. I wanted to go last night, but the football game. We lost by 4. All the seniors dont wanna play this year, so they had to move up a lot of juniors and sophmores. Well good luck to the team..

Josh came back to Covina this year. he seems really nice. but hangs with the "smart" kids. and you KNOW im not up in that group..too bad. Rachel likes one of the "smart" kids. haha

stupid pottymouth ryan. that is his new name. Hes a freshman i befriended, because he was friendless. haha, sounds funny..he's this little chinese fucker. whose really quiet and shy. but has a mean ol' pottymouth! He's in two of my classes. One being focus on success (gay shit) with freshman besides ONE other sophmore..and hes in my drama class too..(filled with fuckin fags.) im not homophobic, but damn, i might become it! If remer says OMG im Remer! one more time, im gonna stab him in the throat! You cannot get any gayer than that gay fuck..

but moving on..

hahaha..gay fuck. that sounds funny

Suddenly Chris is too cool for me..whats up with that :(

im done with this, i need some water...

Grow up

2004-09-02T22:11:06Z

Eventually, you figure out... or your told, its time to grow up. What you say, isnt always right. What you think, isnt always what other people believe. You burn every bridge, wear out every welcome, and anyone whose ever believed in you, you let down. It's life. Grow up.

Man Gabe, where do u get these surveys..

2004-09-02T02:57:43Z

I am: very bored
I have: a foot phobia
I wish: school would never start
I hate: when people chew with their mouths open
I miss: Tanya!
I fear: feet
I hear: the metallica song coming out of my headphones
I search: for some eyeliner, i need some damn eyeliner
I wonder: whats the rest of the seven world wonders
I love: turtles
I ache: for ice cream
I always: laugh at the stupidest things
I am not: a nazi
I dance: when im home alone
I sing: all the damn time
I cry: ...
I'm not always: in a good mood
I write: bullshit
I win: hardley ever
I lose: alot of stuff
I confuse: my friends
I need: a fan in my room
I should: steal the fan from my brothers room

long ass test..

2004-08-31T04:41:53Z

[x]=yes []= no [-]=kinda

[x] been drunk.
[x] smoked pot.
[x] kissed a member of the same sex.
[] rode in a taxi.
[] been dumped.
[] been fired.
[x] been in love.
[] been in a fist fight.
[] snuck out of your parent's house.
[] been arrested.
[] celebrated new years in times square.
[x] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[] had a crush on a teacher.
[] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] hooked up with a stranger.
[] thrown up from drinking.
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party.
[] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on someone
[] been cheated on.
[] had a sweet sixteen.
[] had a car.
[x] drove.
[] had sex.

Do you...
[x] have a bf.
[] have a gf.
[x] have a crush.
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[x] feel happy.
[] hate yourself.
[umm -] think you're attractive.
[x] have a dog
[x] have your own room.
[-] listen to techno.
[-] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails.
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[x] masturbate.
[-] get good grades.
[-] play an instrument
[] have slippers.
[] wear boxers.
[x] wear thongs.
[x] wear makeup.
[-] like the color blue.
[-] like the color yellow.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[-] have long hair.
[-] have short hair.
[] have a cell phone.

Are you...
[] ugly.
[-] pretty.
[x] ok.
[x] bored.
[] happy.
[x] bilingual.
[] white.
[] black.
[] filipino
[x] mexican
[] asian.
[] bolivian
[] short.
[x] tall.
[] naked.
[] sick.
[-] lazy.
[] single.
[x] taken.
[] looking.
[] not looking.
[x] talking to someone.
[] IMing someone.
[] scared to die.
[x] sleepy.
[] annoyed.
[x] on the phone.
[] in your room.
[] drinking something.
[] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.
[] homophobic.

Fuck off

2004-08-31T00:39:31Z

I fuckin hate today. When a situation seems like it cant get any worse, and like it cant dig itself more into the ground, it does. Story of my fuckin life!

I dont like the drugs..they like me

2004-08-28T23:01:02Z

I got invited to a Dream Theater concert! Can i get a hell yeah!! My cousin invited me, its September 19th. For those of you who dont know who Dream Theater is..look them up! I love them. Ive found the coolest music, i was in Hot Topic at the mall and this music was playing. I asked the clerk who it was, some people called Apoptygma Berzerk. Theyre pretty cool, Naked Aggression too. and Morrissey..

Im so damn tired. Tanya's cot is not working for me. It is so uncomfortable. I kept waking up last night and i couldnt sleep.

Anyway, I COOKED! can you believe that!? Me and tanya made mashed potatoes and veggies and chicken! were junior chefs, yeah! Okay, too much of this entry is Tanya. haha im noticing..yeah, it goes to show you how much time ive spent with her. So lets talk about someone else..

Not Brandon, he never MENTIONS me..

How about the two funniest guys in the world..well, in a movie together. STEVE AND DOUG BOUTOBY! yeah! For those morons who havent seen A Night At the Roxbury *cough-jim-cough* you guys are missing out! that movie is the shit. I need to watch that again..

I want a pet. i want a turtle again :( but one the size of my hand. Anyone wanna buy me a turtle? or a SNAIL! okay im not weird. have you ever seen a Snail's face? theyre sooo cute! they look like little babies, i know you guys think im retarded, but thats cuz u havent seen their face! next time you see a snail, dont just pour salt on them, look at their faces!

Ive started talking to Michael again, i was so sure he had died at military school. but hes changed so much, for the better too. i missed him..good to have him back

what i'd do for some weed right now..

What A Wedding!

2004-08-27T07:50:13Z

I know youre all dying to hear about the wedding. Well, it was the shit!! Tanya and me had the best time. Everyone knew Tanya had a great time, i got her little ass drunk! haha..man she had 3 cups of some hard-core vodka and she was done. She has a new love, David ;) amd he's pretty cute so good luck to her with that. As for myself..well, i was a tad bit out of it, but when am i not. It was a rude awakening actually. ive decided i really should just Stop all together. But for those of you who know me really well, you KNOW im never going to be able to put down the bottle..sad stuff. Anyway, that pervert Jimmy..the 25 yr old, car accident thing..yeah he was there. He invited me to his car again. haha Did he think i was gonna say, OKAY! let go to your car where the passenger door doesnt open from the inside fucker!! So, nope i didnt go. lucky for Brandon :) There was dancing, kerioke, chatting with jose and edder and hector and david. theyre all cool guys. (and theyre all cousins or cousins friends or brothers friends, so put your gun down brandon) haha There was this bitch there, Sergio, WHOA, he was a rapist. if i would have let tanya out of my site for 2 fuckin seconds, she would have ended up pregnant i know it! yeah i told him to shut the hell up and he got pissy like a pmsing bitch! Stupid fucker.. When it was over, me tanya this lady i did not even know, my cousin melody and some other chick, all went to In N Out. And we got In N Out hats. Definitely cool right?!!?

Moving on, it was really fun. I got to get all glamourous..but i wore heels all night. thank you Jesus for letting me live through that.

This entire week ive been at Tanyas. I told you guys, its my second home.

I miss Brandon..with his work and school, and me always here or always doing some dumb shit, its hard to have a conversation going for more than 5 minutes. I miss him, if anyone ELSE catches him, tell him I said so.

Well, im about to go watch a Night at the Roxbury, cuz you know Will Ferrell is my homedog!

I didnt eat any corn!-Fat bastard. haha hes funny

2004-08-16T01:25:29Z

Tanya asks the funniest questions.."What if a singer was on stage and she had to burp? And she couldnt hold it in..?" haha

So im supposed to be leaving for the beach house Thursday. Personally i dont think my parents are gonna let me go, but i know Rachels gonna either slit my throat or my parents if i dont go. I was gonna ask my dad if i could go last night, but i said hey dad, and he said "youre not even allowed to talk right now" so umm..i think hes mad at me. Why? i dont know why this time. Ill let him cool down and ask again later.

If i dont go however, Tanyas cousins some kind of family gathering..is on Saturday. She wants me to go to that and then on Sunday shes gonna go to the wedding with me. A mexican wedding..what can be more fun? The beach house thing is from thursday-sunday. so if i go, i cant make it to the party..ill worry about this later

Im supposed to trim my hair, on wednesday. yay, i love getting my hair done.

I got my test scores back. you know the testing ones, the ones that are SAT's but no longer called that? well fuck that, i got my SAT scores. High in english, advcanced. thats right im a geinus. haha and Basic and math..and for the standards..i got below. i hate math.

so next summer is supposed to be very busy. with working to save up to buy my own surfboard..expensive shit. around 600 dollars. and summer school and maybe going down to mexico. i havent been back there since 3rd grade. i thank jesus for business, i dont wanna be home and seeing the face of the house walls all the time.

aright, im done with this. time for the exorcist crap show on tv..looks scary